


P(r)etty Rivalries

by aliteralcat



Series: Haikyuu!! Survivor AU [1]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Alternate Universe, Crack, Ensemble Cast, Gen, Survivor AU
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-18
Updated: 2020-08-18
Packaged: 2021-03-06 06:47:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,498
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25979206
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aliteralcat/pseuds/aliteralcat
Summary: Jeff Probst, tv personality and Survivor host, watches his players with the comfortable smile of a blind baby deer stumbling into a wolf den.  Since he is an American game show host and not an avid follower of Japan’s high school volleyball circuit, he remains blessedly ignorant of the perfect storm he has set into motion.“Welcome to Survivor,” he says, “This season we flew out Japan’s best volleyball idiots to outwit, outplay, outlast. Now, you’ve all been placed in a tribe based on what you rely on most: brains, beauty, or brawn. Please go to your tribe’s mat.”Haikyuu!! players are cast in the game show of Survivor. Oikawa and Kageyama drive their tribe into the ground.
Relationships: Iwaizumi Hajime & Kindaichi Yuutarou, Iwaizumi Hajime & Ushijima Wakatoshi, Iwaizumi Hajime/Oikawa Tooru, Kageyama Tobio & Oikawa Tooru
Series: Haikyuu!! Survivor AU [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1885573
Comments: 4
Kudos: 17





	P(r)etty Rivalries

**Author's Note:**

> Gameplay is based on Survivor: Cagayan, Season 28
> 
> The mechanics of how this American game show host runs survivor with only Japanese speaking volleyball players are unclear, but also unimportant. I personally like to imagine that Jeff Probst, dedicated game show host he is, learned perfect Japanese specifically to run this special edition season of Survivor.

DAY 1

We pan over our contestants wading through a field of tall grass.

First to arrive are Karasuno. Kageyama and Hinata race ahead. Sugawara follows behind them, fist pumping.

“Final four! Final four!” he chants.

Daichi wears the deadened expression of someone who has survived hours on a place with the three of them.

Next are Aoba Johsai’s representatives.

Oikawa lifts his head to let his hair flutter in the wind. He looks devastatingly attractive and serene. According to his calculations, this entrance has a 70% chance of setting Tobio-chan on edge.

Iwaizumi cuffs the back of his head.

“Iwa-chan!”

He scrambles to right his hair. What a brute. His best friend is such a brute.

“You were thinking something stupid.”

“I was just thinking about crushing Tobio-chan.”

“See? Stupid. Focus on not getting voted out first. You have a terrible personality and Kindaichi and I won’t be there with you.”

Oikawa lights up. Is that concern he detects? How embarrassing for Iwaizumi.

“Aww, Iwa-chan,” he croons, “Are you worried about me?”

Iwaizumi averts his gaze, looking vaguely uncomfortable.

 _Oh._ Oikawa feels his face heat.

Kindaichi says nothing. He is far too occupied shooting fearful glances at Ushijima to notice the pathetic excuse for flirting unfolding before him. This is for the best. It would only embarrass him.

Ushijima arrives to the game as he does everything: with great seriousness and no sense of irony. He is accompanied by a dazed Semi.

Semi distinctly remembers refusing to participate in Survivor. “What’s the point?” he had asked. “Ushijima is already going,” he had said. He kept refusing even after being accepted as a contestant. “They have seventeen other contestants. What do they need me for?” he had rightly pointed out. Then, an hour before he should have missed the flight here, Tendou had come by to talk. The next thing Semi knew, the plane was landing on the island. He wishes this was the first time something like this had happened.

Behind them, Kita is equally confused by why and how he was selected for this game show, although he heavily suspects the Miya twins.

Nekoma and Fukurodani arrive together.

Kuroo saunters forward, dragging a distracted Kenma along. He can feel Oikawa’s glare on him and he is living for it. Yes, they are a strong final four of actually competent members. Yes, they are better than everyone else.

“Hey hey hey!”

Bokuto bounds ahead, throwing off his jacket.

Akaashi catches it.

In the wake of Kuroo’s smug grin and Bokuto’s chaos, Daisho goes unnoticed. This suits him just fine. The other players won’t see him coming.

Last to arrive are Datekou’s Futakuchi, WakuNan’s Nakashima, and Ohgi Minami’s Towada, each of whom have a bone to pick as the only members selected from this team. Four crows? Three of Aoba Johsai’s starters? How is that fair?

Jeff Probst, tv personality and Survivor host, watches his players with the comfortable smile of a blind baby deer stumbling into a wolf den. Since he is an American game show host and not an avid follower of Japan’s high school volleyball circuit, he remains blessedly ignorant of the perfect storm he has set into motion.

“Welcome to Survivor,” he says, “This season we flew out Japan’s best volleyball idiots to outwit, outplay, outlast. Now, you’ve all been placed in a tribe based on what you rely on most: brains, beauty, or brawn. Please go to your tribe’s mat.”

The blob of players shuffles around each other to get to their tribe’s mat, slowly resolving into three distinct blobs.

A shriek pierces the air.

All three tribes turn to look at the source of the shriek. There stand Oikawa and Kageyama on opposite ends of the Beauty tribe’s mat, the rest of the tribe clustered around them like spectators at a lunchtime brawl.

“How can _you_ be on the beauty tribe? Tobio-chan is the single ugliest human being I have ever met.”

Iwaizumi buries his face in his hands. Kindaichi swears he hears him mutter, “not my damn problem,” in a thoroughly unconvinced tone.

Jeff Probst’s heart flutters in his chest. Yes. Yes! This is the stuff that sells television.

“Harsh words from Oikawa. Kageyama, what do you think when you hear that?” Jeff asks.

Kageyama blinks uncertainly.

Jeff feels the butterflies die in his chest. He probably should have read the memos his producers sent him about the contestants. This poor man is completely unprepared for what is to come.

In the silence that follows, another contestant finds the courage to speak up.

“I’m going to beat everyone and win the million dollars,” announces Towada.

His teammates are very tall and he is feeling very sweaty, but if there is one thing that losing the Spring Interhigh Prelims taught him it’s that it’s important to dream big. Also, that Hinata won’t make fun of him for this, so that’s at least one person.

“Good for you,” says Iwaizumi. Presumably, he can see how sweaty Towada is and has activated Good!Senpai mode. He nudges Kindaichi. “You should try having some confidence too.”

“I will beat everyone and win a million dollars,” Kindaichi vocalizes.

Iwaizumi throws an arm around him and ruffles his hair. “That’s the spirit.”

Kindaichi feels his heart skip in his chest. He would die for Iwaizumi’s approval.

Recovering, Jeff smiles.

“That’s the spirit!”

He tosses a map to each tribe.

“Well then, here are the maps to your camps. I’ll see you at the immunity challenge.”

The tribes march off.

* * *

DAY 4

“Welcome to the second immunity challenge,” Jeff says, “Based on some events of the first challenge, I would like to remind everyone what we’re here for. Each tribe will compete as a team to win the challenge. First and second place will win immunity from tribal council. The tribe in third place will have to attend tribal council, with me, where you will vote one of your members off the tribe and out of this game. This is bad.”

The three tribes are gathered in front of him on the beach.

Beauty tribe is missing Daisho, voted off for being an asshole before his megalomaniacal plans could get off the ground. Kageyama and Oikawa’s rivalry was… something of a stumbling block in the first challenge.

They trade pointed looks at Jeff’s announcement. The other players shift uneasily.

“Today’s challenge: You will scoop buckets of water from the ocean, tossing the water from one tribemate’s bucket to the next. You will collect enough water to release a ball. Two tribemates will then maneuver that ball out of a puzzle maze.”

Brawn and Brain tribes sit out Towada and Daichi respectively. The other players take their positions for the challenge.

“For immunity and reward. Survivor’s ready. Go!”

Semi, Futakuchi, and Hinata scoop ocean water and run up the beach to deliver it to their respective teams. Hinata’s speed puts Brawn up to a good start. Unfortunately, he tosses the bucket to Bokuto and it flips over, emptying its contents. Bokuto tosses it back.

“Don’t sweat it, Hinata! Try again.”

Futakuchi and Semi make passable tosses to Kenma and Kuroo.

Hinata comes running back up the beach.

This time he passes to Bokuto successfully who tosses the bucket to Ushijima. Ushijima launches the water from his bucket in a perfect arc that lands neatly in Iwaizumi’s waiting bucket, not a drop spilled.

Iwaizumi stares into the depths of his bucket. It’s completely full.

“How??” he mouths.

“Iwaizumi!” Bokuto shouts.

He jolts. Right. The challenge. He pours the water into the collection bin.

Hinata runs back down to the ocean for more water. He seems to be getting used to the sand and he’s speeding up. Bokuto and Hinata are still sloppy on their toss, but it hardly matters. Ushijima receives and tosses with perfect accuracy. Iwaizumi is mourning the spring volleyball season.

The Brain tribe is making steady progress. Kita, receiving from Kenma and tossing to Akaashi, performs with 75% accuracy. Futakuchi has hit Kenma with the bucket at least once. This did not ingratiate him to Kenma.

Trailing in last place, again, is the Beauty tribe. Oikawa tosses to Kageyama, cackling. He manages to completely drench Kageyama.

Kageyama stares into the dry bottom of his bucket and seethes.

The bucket barely makes its way back to Semi from Oikawa, who is doubled over in laughter.

Kuroo and Semi share a look as they pass the bucket. It is the look of people who have walked through hell together – the look all people earn when Oikawa has been unleashed feral upon them.

The Brawn tribe’s collection bin fills. Their ball is released.

“Alright!” Iwaizumi shouts.

He grabs up the ball and races to join Kindaichi at the puzzle maze.

It’s only once he’s put the ball in the maze that reality hits him. This is a puzzle, and he’s not very good at those. Usually he just sits by and snacks while Tooru does most of the work. His best friend can be pretty obsessive once he gets into something. Tooru barely even notices Iwaizumi is putting together two puzzle pieces per hour.

“Got it!” Akaashi races to the maze.

Nakashima is waiting for him.

The Fukurodani setter and WakuNan’s ace make a surprisingly good team. They gain quickly on the Brawn tribe, which is starting to flounder. Iwaizumi is no genius and Kindaichi is too stressed to be much help. His upperclassmen had issued stern instructions to restore Seijoh’s honor. He wants to live up to their expectations.

Hinata and Bokuto’s enthusiastic cheering is encouraging but mostly loud.

“Brains tribe pulling ahead, but Brawn is still in it.” Jeff narrates helpfully. “Meanwhile, Beauty is still collecting water. Get it together Beauty. You do not want to attend tribal for the second time in a row.”

Oikawa and Kageyama’s rivalry is starting to fizzle. The humor of dousing Kageyama bled out right around when Oikawa’s competitive drive realized they were losing. He makes his best toss and half the water hits Kageyama in the face.

Oikawa snickers. So, it’s still a little funny.

Kageyama pours in the water and lets out a wordless yell. The Beauty tribe’s ball has been released.

Semi pushes past his teammates, visible relief on his face. Kuroo watches the tribe with a contemplative expression.

The Brains’ ball drops neatly out of the maze. Akaashi gasps.

“Brains tribe in first place!” Jeff announces.

Futakuchi tackles them from behind, throwing an arm over Akaashi and Nakashima each.

“A little left,” Iwaizumi directs.

He and Kindaichi turn the maze.

Suddenly, Iwaizumi spots the path to the exit.

“Okay. Turn it all the way right, quickly, on three. One, two, three.”

They jerk the maze around and their ball rolls free.

“Brawn tribe! In second place!”

Ushijima turns to his teammates. “My apologies. I should have performed better. We only took second place.”

They pause their celebrating to gape. Even Jeff is seen glancing over with a look of confusion.

Iwaizumi pats his back. “Don’t worry about it. The team with the better six is stronger. Brains had the better six today.”

He doesn’t really know Ushiwaka. Tooru likes to hiss that he’s an alien because no human is that physically perfect. If he’s an alien, Iwaizumi figures maybe volleyball is a common language that will get through to him.

Ushijima frowns. So maybe not.

“That means, Beauty tribe, I will be seeing you at tribal council for the third time.”

Semi and Sugawara slump against their maze.

* * *

DAY 5

Kuroo and Semi sit by the campfire. They are alone in the middle of camp. Suga took Kageyama down to the beach to try fishing as a ruse to keep him away from Oikawa and Oikawa is “checking the tree mail” to avoid Kageyama.

“So, it’s Suga, right? He can’t control Kageyama at all in challenges.” Kuroo says.

Semi sighs, poking the fire with a log.

“Are you sure we can’t vote off Oikawa? Or even Kageyama?”

“Nah. They’re pains in the asses, but they’re too busy fighting to play Survivor. Better to bring them than Suga, who actually has a chance of winning.”

Semi gives Kuroo a long look.

He shrugs. “Sure, but we’re going to need Oikawa’s vote.”

* * *

Kuroo intercepts Oikawa coming back to camp.

Oikawa is whistling, hands in his pockets, looking up at the trees – the picture of innocence. Kuroo doesn’t even want to know what he did.

“Hey. Want to make Kageyama really mad?”

Oikawa’s face lights up.

* * *

At tribal council, Jeff reads the votes.

“That’s three for Sugawara. That’s enough.”

Suga stands, grabbing his bag.

He jabs Kageyama in the side. “Behave!”

Kageyama makes a face of offense.

He nods to Kuroo and carries his torch over to Jeff.

“Sugawara, the tribe has spoken.”

His torch is snuffed. Suga walks off into the night.

* * *

DAY 7

For today’s challenge, one tribe member calls directions from a tower while the other three are blindfolded. Two blindfolded tribe members are tied together to retrieve items from a maze. They and a third blindfolded member have to hoist the items up on a platform to their tribe member at the tower top.

Semi calls for Beauty. Kita calls for Brains. Bokuto calls for Brawn.

It’s a beautiful disaster.

Ushijima follows directions perfectly. Unfortunately, teamwork is not his strongest suit. Kindaichi, tied to him, pays a heavy price.

“Apologies,” Ushijima says for the fifth time after Kinchaichi is hip-checked into a heavy barrel.

Has he bumped into every obstacle on the course yet? It certainly feels like it.

Kenma is not faring much better. Akaashi is at least considerate of leaving him space to be, but Futakuchi and Kenma cannot seem to synchronize to pull the platform, and their retrieved goods on top of it, up to Kita.

“You dropped it. Try again,” Kita calls down.

For once, only Beauty seems to have it together.

Kageyama and Kuroo work the pulley while Kuroo and Oikawa navigate the maze to retrieve their items. By keeping the rival setters completely separate, Beauty manages the seemingly impossible: they unlock the potential of both setters to compete.

No one is more surprised than Beauty to hear Jeff announce, “Beauty in first place! Congratulations, come get your reward.”

They rip off their blindfolds to see the other two teams still competing.

Oikawa and Kageyama high five and then both look away, embarrassed.

Semi climbs unsteadily down from the tower. He leans on Kuroo.

“We actually won.” He hasn’t been this dazed since Tendou tricked him into coming onto this show. “It’s real.”

Kuroo pats his back. “It’s real.”

* * *

Iwaizumi is crouched around the fire pit with an impassive Ushijima and a guilty Hinata. At present, the fire pit contains an unlit pile of wood and two short sticks.

“I’m really sorry about losing the flint,” Hinata says, avoiding their eyes.

He looks like a kicked puppy.

Iwaizumi sighs. The underclassmen are going to kill him. They’re all baby.

“It’s fine. We’ll get the fire started somehow.”

The sun sinks slowly behind the horizon, laughing at his misfortune. It sounds like Oikawa.

He picks up the pair of sticks and contemplates them. Vaguely, he remembers watching someone do this on that wilderness survival show he was briefly obsessed with. He attempts his best approximation of the blurred memory in his head.

The sticks start smoking.

Hinata jumps into the air, whooping.

Iwaizumi grins.

The kindling catches fire. He throws down the sticks.

“Iwaizumi-senpai! You did it!”

Iwaizumi high fives Hinata. Take _that_ Oikawa.

“My apologies, Iwaizumi. I overlooked your strength due to your weakness in volleyball,” Ushijima says.

Iwaizumi feels his forehead twitch.

* * *

Iwaizumi and Kindaichi wander down the beach with a nervous Towada in tow.

“We have to vote off Ushiwaka.”

Iwaizumi scowls down at the sand.

Towada glances away. It pains him to point this out, but “He keeps winning the challenges.”

Iwaizumi grimaces. “Then we have to throw the challenge.”

Towada hesitates. This seems like negative character growth. Didn’t he just learn not to admit defeat so easily? He should soldier on. Beat Ushijima through grit and teamwork or... something... That was really lame, wasn’t it? Hinata is the worst role model. Oh, wait, Hinata.

“Will Hinata and Fukurodani’s captain do that?”

“I don’t think so. But it’s their turn to sit out next challenge.” Kindaichi says.

“Then we have to do it next challenge. Do we all agree?” Iwaizumi says.

They do.

Later, he hears Kindaichi ask, “Are you just doing this so Oikawa doesn’t get voted off?”

Iwaizumi laughs. “Yeah right. If that tribe doesn’t vote him off, I’ll do it myself at the merge.”

* * *

DAY 8

The challenge is simple. Each tribe has to dive underwater to untie five buoys from an anchor, then successfully toss them all into a basket.

The competing tribe members stand on a floating platform out in the ocean.

“For immunity,” Jeff says, “Survivors ready. Go!”

Kindaichi, Semi, and Nakashima dive into the water for Brawn, Beauty, and Brains.

Nakashima is swift and efficient, cutting through the water with perfect form and quickly releasing his buoy. He throws the buoy to Akaashi and swims back to the platform.

Kindaichi ducks under the water. He fiddles unenthusiastically with the knot holding the buoy, pretending to struggle. Even though he’s underwater, he feels exposed, like everyone can see he’s faking it. For Iwaizumi-senpai, he reminds himself. When he runs out of air to breathe, he yanks the knot undone and shoots back to the surface.

Kindaichi is the last contestant to return with his buoy. Beauty and Brains have already sent their next players into the water.

“Good work.” Iwaizumi slaps Kindaichi’s shoulder and dives into the water.

Iwaizumi does his best to lag behind the Beauty tribe (currently in 2nd place), but Kuroo is taking his sweet damn time. Iwaizumi is forced to come up for air empty handed. It’s not his proudest moment.

Things are going blissfully according to plan. Then, Kuroo makes it back to the platform, shortly followed by Iwaizumi.

Once again, infighting takes down the Beauty tribe. Kageyama turns his nose up when Oikawa gestures for him to go, then changes his mind right as Oikawa prepares to dive in. The two of them fall into the water with a spectacular splash and start struggling with each other.

Iwaizumi looks on in disgusted astonishment.

Futakuchi retrieves the last buoy for Brains and they start tossing. Their first shot misses.

“Brains tribe has proven they can retrieve the buoys fastest, but it seems their aim is not as good,” Jeff says.

Futakuchi, hauling himself out of the water, glances over his shoulder to deliver a bone chilling glare.

Ushijima takes his turn in the water for Brawn and, predictably, makes up time. Meanwhile, Semi has reached into the water and is attempting to drag Kageyama, the lighter of the two, out, so they can get back to winning. He looks defeated.

“Just let Kageyama go,” Iwaizumi mutters, “he’s just a first year, Oikawa, come on.”

“Brains tribe wins immunity!” Jeff announces.

The Brawns tribe retrieves all their buoys. Ushijima gets them all into the basket with five successive shots. That’s an immunity win for the Brawns tribe, leaving the Beauty tribe on the bottom once again.

Kindaichi has to stop Iwaizumi from throwing hands.

* * *

The mood at the Beauty tribe is somber.

Semi sits on the beach alone, letting the waves wash over him. He is so tired. It has been nine days of infighting and lost challenges. Kuroo is his only friend. He wants to go back to Shiratorizawa and let Tendou talk in circles; at least then things made sense.

Back in the camp proper, Kuroo is sitting around the campfire with Oikawa and Kageyama, neither of whom has bothered to move apart since getting back from the challenge.

“So, we lost,” he opens.

They give him _“well obviously”_ looks.

He spreads his hands, grinning, “Well, that just means they’ll never see us coming from behind.”

* * *

DAY 9

Tribal council is a familiar ritual by now.

“What does it feel like to have the most consecutive loses in Survivor history?” Jeff asks.

Semi shrugs. “I’ve never been on a team that’s lost this much before. It’s a new feeling.”

Oikawa dredges up a flicker of Shiratorizawa hatred to glare.

Kuroo chuckles.

Jeff raises an eyebrow at him. “You’re not phased at all?”

“Well, everyone loves an underdog story, Jeff.”

Jeff nods. “That they do.”

“Well, then, let’s get to the voting.”

They cast their votes. Jeff retrieves them.

“I will now read the votes.”

_Semi._

_Semi Eita._

_Semi._

“That’s three votes. That’s enough.

“Thank you,” Semi tells the tribe, relief written across his face in bold 72-point lettering.

“Semi, the tribe has spoken.” Jeff snuffs his torch.

* * *

DAY 10

“Beauty tribe in first place!”

The other tribes fumble their puzzle pieces, glancing over in shock.

Kuroo throws an arm around his teammates with a sharp grin.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! I hope you enjoyed this.
> 
> This was a lot of fun to write. I do plan to do more with this AU. I am fascinated by the idea of a Futakuchi-Akaashi-Kenma alliance, so that will probably be the second installment.


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